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Local Insult Comic Paralyzed by Perception of Self

March 9, 2016 - Barak Tzori
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Woman Confused Why There's a Reporter at Her Door

March 9, 2016 - Hannah Rosenblatt
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Area Man Recycles, Saves Planet

March 9, 2016 - Cole Greenbaun
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Californians Forced to Choose Between Water and Food, Almonds Win

March 9, 2016 - Summer Davis

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  1. It's illegal to list a house under 300,000 dollars
  2. Any sandwich called "California" or "baja chicken" must contain avocados
  3. Penal code 34.71 - "You cannot have sex with the Golden Gate Bridge. I cannot believe I'm writing this into actual law"
  4. It's illegal to ingest more than 20 oz of salt water
  5. It shall not pass forth on a true citizen's lips that a Bordeaux chardonnay trumps a Sonoma Valley chardonnay
  6. California is the only state in the union that contains anti-anti-sodomy laws
  7. In Sunnyvale AYSO region 44, it is illegal to attend a son's soccer game without cursing out the referee for 15 minutes and calling his hairy sister a "good for nothing kusemech"
  8. Any businessman wearing a suit must also be obnoxiously talking into a Bluetooth headset
  9. In Fresno, it's illegal to jaywalk slowly
  10. "YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED GODAMMIT JUST GO"
  1. Good, wholesome family fun
  2. Oscar-winner Tom Hanks on a raft with a volleyball
  3. My goddamn tax money
  4. Apparently birthmarks are back in style
  5. All four members of Metallica ominously playing "Sandman"
  6. Blood. So much blood
  7. A historical reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge performed non-ironically
  8. A naturalized Syrian refugee
  9. Singles over 50 speed dating
  10. Scrotums. That one's on you

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