Fifth Year Excited to Be Dysfunctional Mother Figure to Younger Friends

Katherine Wood

Volume 23 Issue 7 - June 7, 2017

Sierra Griffin, finishing up her fourth year in Marshall College, stated on Friday that she was “excited to be a mother figure to her younger friends,” when asked about her plans for next year.

“I really think that my intense weariness after four years of stupid econ classes has really prepared me to give the half-hearted effort required of a mom,” said Griffin. “God, I hate econ. And I feel like my dissatisfaction is all built up and ready to surface at home in the form of limited patience with my kids — er, friends.”

Griffin noted she was already feeling the traditional sensations of entrapment and began wondering about her life choices.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have decided to have friends. You know, after a long day of arguing about the monetary value of a human life, all I want to do is sit back with a bottle of wine and watch ‘Scandal,’ not spend my precious remaining energy talking to them or playing games like beer pong.”

“Maybe I’ll just buy them gummy bears and an iPad.”