Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours

Rhys Shriver, Copy Editor

Volume 24 Issue 5 - March 14, 2018

Article Graphic

Photo by: Ethan Coston

Not pictured: hard-hitting journalism.

President Trump has caused many quarrels among the people of the United States about the frequency with which he has created controversies over the course of his presidency. However, reports of people being shocked across the nation have arisen as the Trump administration hasn’t done anything noteworthy in the past 13.5 hours.

Self-identified Democratic voter Erik Klasborne commented, “I’ve come to the point in my life where when I don’t hear news about Sessions dropping 12 racial slurs in a Wendy’s parking lot or about how Trump accidentally called the US the USSR, I assume that it’s already time for nuclear winter. For some reason, it’s suddenly popular for the president to tweet his opinion on every goddamn thing, and it’s even more popular for MSNBC and FOX to report on this crap on the daily.”

As the 14th hour approaches, reporters have been holding their breath as they wait for the administration to blow up and do something that they can report on. NBC reporter Vincent Everest said, “Listen, as much as I hate the guy, I need him to do some dumb shit. NBC has hired about 52 extra interns to cover all the news that keeps flooding out, and to compensate, we’re only getting paid per story. It’s been a slaughterfest, every reporter is so bloodthirsty to get the details on the next story.” Everest concluded the interview, whispering, “I actually saw someone die out there.”

Despite the stations’ hunger for news, most citizens have been ecstatic on social media over this lack of blatant lies, broken laws, and infuriating tweets. Twitter personality Kayla Andrews tweeted: “I almost forgot that presidents don’t usually tweet out accusations or complaints every hour. smh yall gotta stop being used to this. I’m not necessarily saying a revolution is the answer, but as the French said, ‘When in France, guillotine as the French guillotined.’” Andrews ended her statement with a ‘Winky Face’ emoji.

Just as people and politicians began to relax during this short scandal-free period, Trump allegedly released a statement that read, “I can’t believe Obama started the Great Depression! How sad. Nobody’s talking about this.”

Reporters went wild trying to ask Trump and his administration about the new statement, stampeding into the White House briefing room and firing off countless questions, such as “Did Obama really start the Great Depression,” “Does Trump genuinely believe this statement,” and “Is it too late to go back and get a job that matters?”

In response to the scandal after the very short breathing time, Andrews reportedly tweeted: “God fucking dammit.”