Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat
Volume 24 Issue 4 - February 7, 2018
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had announced his bid for the same seat.
According to the XD-S’s spokesperson, Troy Leess, the gun had spoken privately about its plans to run as Republican in the past two elections, but after several shooting-related incidents, it came to the conclusion with Leess that it would be less controversial to run during a “fresh” year.
“Y’know, the XD-S isn’t a bad guy,” said Richard Evrey, a voter from Davis County, Utah, “And I know that it’s a registered felon — what with all the gun-related murders — but ya still gotta respect the honesty of some cold steel. I don’t think I can trust people anymore, always lying and conniving, but you don’t get that with a gun! It says it kills, and boy, does it deliver. And those jokes! Now the XD-S, she was on a Netflix special, and WOW those jokes killed me!”
As voting season approaches, more allegations have been raised against the XD-S, including numerous cases of assault, breaking and entering, and illegally downloading Grand Theft Auto. Following these accusations, Romney released an ad for his Senate plans that discussed a gun control bill which was purportedly made to sling mud at the XD-S, but was instead met with criticism from the Republican voter base which cited complaints such as “research shows that gun control doesn’t stop 100 percent of murders,” “no one can succeed at taking away all guns,” and “at least guns aren’t Mormon.”
Despite the numerous voiced complaints, Romney is reportedly still leading the polls by at least 60 percent. When reached out for comment, the XD-S refused to respond, instead having its spokesperson Leess comment, “The XD-S stood for the truth about guns and the Constitution for the voters of Utah. Win or lose, she has no regrets, either from shooting for the Senate or from numerous shootings, in general.”
The publicity from the Utah 2018 elections has brought up controversies about gun rights with hashtags like “#MakeAmericaGunAgain” and “#GunsWithHer” trending on sites such as Facebook and Twitter, and a surge of people discussing discrimination against guns and gun rights. As election time approaches, political scientists are predicting that more young voters, concerned parents, and centrists who use Twitter to graciously inform liberals that, actually, both sides are morally wrong will join this election cycle after being up-in-arms over this arms debate.