Man Awaiting Ultimate Heat Death of Universe Unimpressed by Rate of Global Warming
Volume 24 Issue 4 - February 7, 2018
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
Area man Powel Forms reported last Thursday that he was expecting to be brutally killed by fire and heat waves years ago, counting on global warming to destroy the planet by 2008, at the very latest. After experiencing dismay over still being alive and well, Forms launched a plan to enhance global warming so it would be able to violently fry him to a crisp while there is still enough energy left in the universe to consume.
“Some people would say I’m a climate change denier,” Forms elaborated, “On the contrary, I consider myself a science and evidence-based man. All I’m saying is that if global warming was REALLY a threat, why am I not dead? I gotta do my part and speed things up,” Forms stated while spraying several cans of various ozone-depleting substances into the air.
Scientists have speculated that the heat death of the universe will occur in approximately 101000 years which Forms has stated as “just not good enough” despite the fact that he, or anyone else currently living on the planet Earth, will not be alive anywhere close to the universe’s heat death. Forms has made it clear that he wanted to “see the fireworks” and recently turned to global warming as the next best alternative to go out in a spectacular burst of light.
Forms’ plan to escalate global warming while he’s still alive comprised of drastic changes to his daily routine. He claimed, however, that the inconvenience is worth it to give global warming the helping hand it needs to spontaneously scorch his body to smithereens within the next 20 to 30 years. “I find it unacceptable that researchers have been ranting about the dangers of climate change for the past 30 years, but when I step outside, I don’t even get an immediate sunburn yet,” exclaimed Forms as he began his morning routine of turning on his 12 fuel-inefficient SUVs parked on his property while he put the ACs on full-blast.
Additional items on Forms’ daily to-do list included fracking in a remote field in Wyoming, reigniting the tire fire pit in his backyard, and paying off scientists to release studies arguing that global warming doesn’t exist. The last item, Forms insisted, will encourage people to pollute more. “I’m only one person,” he explained, “If I want global warming to happen ASAP, I’m gonna need all hands on deck. I’m certain that if we all unite to expedite climate change, we can all go out within the next two, three decades — max. For every great revolutionary action, there has to be someone to start the metaphorical fire. I never imagined that I would be that person, but it seems like I must rise to the occasion and be the one to start the spark,” exclaimed Forms as he dumped crude oil in his backyard garden.
At press time, Forms was informed that the heat death of the universe wouldn’t actually involve any heat or lights, and global warming would only result in flooding, depletion of agriculture, and gradual mass extinction. Dissatisfied with this potential ending, Forms decided to dedicate his life to causing a more flashy, apocalyptic event by trying to trigger an eruption at the supervolcano underneath Yellowstone National Park. “I want to go out with a bang, and I’m gonna do it, god damn it!” Forms screamed as he drove towards the park with a jackhammer and shotgun to fend off park rangers.