Local Man Arrested for Not Giving Enough Thanks Prior to Thanksgiving

Chris Lee

Volume 24 Issue 3 - December 6, 2017

Local man James Paulson was arrested in his home on November 22, a day before Thanksgiving, for what authorities alleged as being “not being thankful enough.”

“This is ridiculous!” said Mr. Paulson in police custody, “I was going to start giving thanks on the day of Thanksgiving because I was super busy with things! I had to buy food and decorations, and I didn’t have time to stop and give thanks!”

Paul Jameson, the county sheriff, told reporters that he was simply upholding the law. “We have strict codes of conduct surrounding Thanksgiving that have been in place since 1683. The law states that all thanks for Thanksgiving must be submitted BEFORE the day of the event.” Sheriff Jameson continued, “It doesn’t matter if the law is centuries old — just have your thanks in before Thanksgiving.” Jameson later insisted, “If we don’t obey the law, then how different are we from the turkeys we carve up on Thanksgiving?”

Mr. Paulson will stand on court in early December for his actions, or lack thereof. Many law experts speculate that Paulson will be assigned approximately 65 hours of community service, or 23 years in prison, as well as resocialization and re-education to help cope with his crimes against humanity. Many of Paulson’s neighbors have reported feeling relieved, knowing that their streets are safe from “antigrateful maniacs.”