US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatoratory Mints
Volume 24 Issue 3 - December 6, 2017
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt
Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s Hollywood productions, as part of a new campaign to increase deterrence at the Mexico-U.S.border. After experiencing delays in constructing a physical barrier, immigration officials have transitioned to escalating arms instead, citing the relative ease in procuring large quantities of militarygrade weapons compared to concrete.
In order to pre-emptively deescalate media response to the large quantities of bazookas and tanks being shipped southward across states in the upcoming months, the ICE office has also launched a parallel campaign called “Nothing but Sweets” to stock all border checkpoints and officers with an array of chocolates and mints. Border patrol officers have been instructed to hand out the sweets to those who are wounded by the new weapons and/or are being forcefully deported. ICE claims that the generous effort should offer comfort to people who have just lost family members from heightened protective measures, and distract people that are being removed from their country of residence without notice.
The “Nothing but Sweets” campaign was expedited after ICE reported positive test trials in parts of west Texas. “The only rough patch in the project was making room for the bags of candy amidst all of the stockpiles of grenades and semi-automatics we just got in from Oregon,” reported border patrol agent Mark Westland. “But after that, it was really easy to incorporate candy throwing into our everyday routine.” Agents reported that immigrants who turned away from the border at gunpoint demonstrated a shift in reaction from “pure panic and depression” to “just a mild sugar rush, probably?”
The U.S. government felt the need to implement a new fitness program for the Border Patrol officers, as the officers have suspiciously started gaining weight. “I really do not know what the cause is, everyone here has started to gain weight, but we are less stressed, less anxious, and are overall more happy,” confided ICE Officer Bryant. “It’s weird though, we seem to be running out of candy significantly faster compared to the estimated projections. But on the plus side, those extra crates of napalm can fit in storage easier now.”
“This job does not come without sacrifices, we are more than willing to go the extra mile and beyond. And this is all for the immigrants, we love our job because we are giving them a sweeter way to go back home,” reported agent Carl Smith while cleaning up empty shell casings and mint wrappers in a nearby canyon.
“I mean, I didn’t know they had this new program implemented until two weeks after I had been deported,” complained Miguel Hernandez. “I wish they would have started ‘Nothing But Sweets’ before the extreme militarization of border patrol. Just thinking that I could have been deported with a sweet tooth instead of an even bigger gun to my head makes me mad.