Christmas Season completely Revitalizes Coal Mining Industry

Rene Mejia

Volume 24 Issue 3 - December 6, 2017

This Christmas season has seen the surprising revival of the coal industry in the United States. The sudden rebound is attributed to two factors: Trump’s focus on ending the “War on Coal” and the increasing number of bad kids.

The coal industry has seen growth in both production and employment since the end of Thanksgiving. This was best exemplified by West Virginia company Old King Coal, who boasts the slogan: “Be thankful for the world God has given us, since it’s giving all of you jobs and giving us a lot of money.”

Recent hires of Old King Coal shed some light on the situation. “My pa was a coal miner, my pa’s pa was a coal miner, his pa’s pa was a coal miner, and I will be a coal miner. My unemployment was simply a blip on the radar,” stated coal miner Dave Canary. The supervisor at Canary’s coal mine reported that employment for his region has increased three-fold since demand increased.

The sudden spike in demand has been linked to a shipment of one hundred thousand tons of coal destined for the North Pole. It is now widely believed that Santa Claus, noted North Pole resident, is responsible. Upon being questioned about his purchase of coal, Claus simply replied, “The coal I give to naughty kids has to come from somewhere.”