President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Volume 24 Issue 3 - December 6, 2017
Photo by: Daniel Clinton
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint his body green on the day of Christmas Eve, dress similar to Santa Claus on that night, and break into people’s homes to take their presents and decorations.
“It’s a good system,” President Trump claimed, “and the details are all worked out, you’ll see. I’ll fit in with my surroundings because I’ll be green. I have Vice President Pence set to dress like a reindeer and help. It’ll be great. It’ll fix everything, and everyone will be happy and everyone will be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again, believe me.”
When asked about why he decided to implement this plan, Trump grumbled repeatedly about noise, and then declined to answer any further questions. Vice President Pence followed President Trump, but went into a doghouse with his name on it rather than entering the White House.
A group called “Many Against X-mas” has said that they feel Trump’s plan will benefit everyone. Though they too failed to give reason as to why they believed it was necessary. They stood firmly by the belief that Trump’s blatant stealing, breaking and entering, and general hijinks were for the benefit of the country. Upon interviewing those in support of MAX, Lindy Sue, age 22, gave her explanation.
“This economy has gotten two sizes too small,” explained Sue, “so, Trump stealing Christmas makes perfect economic sense.” When pressed for further clarification, Sue left, saying she was tired and needed water.
A protest group has also risen up, started by the ghost of Boris Karloff, who seemed rather angry at Trump’s plan. “You can’t just steal Christmas,” said Karloff, “Especially not in this political climate! Boy, if I were him, I wouldn’t touch this thing with a 39 and a half foot pole.”
The group created by Karloff consists of himself, his friend Thurl Ravenscroft, and the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Yet to Come. The Group known as Spirits Enraged Under Seasonal Stealing has protested Trump’s plan by raising money and collecting toy donations to help spread gifts themselves, gathering canned Who-pudding and roast beast, as well as getting a massive tree to sing Christmas Carols around.
“We figure we may as well keep the spirit of the season alive as much as we can,” stated the Ghost of Christmas Present. “We simply believe this is a season to encourage giving and kindness, no matter what you believe in. We all believe stealing is wrong, and that President Trump is simply doing something unnecessary for no particular reason except to serve himself, the spiders in his brain, and the termites in his smile.”
When trying to interview the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, they showed reporters a ghastly vision of their own deaths before the Ghost revealed, through an Ouija board, that they were glad to help save Christmas, even though they themselves will not be affected, seeing as they are Jewish.
Trump’s plan, currently known as Getting Rid of Infernal Needless Crap Here, is stated to take effect December 24. The details on how this will be done is currently unknown. When interviewing for clarification, Trump stormed out in a huff, with shoes clearly too small and his head at an angle, almost as it had been screwed on incorrectly. Regardless, Christmas may not come this year in the traditional sense, but the ghosts have claimed that they will be holding a party regardless and everyone, even President Trump, is invited to come.